The Day I Finally Took a Break… and Couldn’t Enjoy It

Melinda was in Paris, sick, trying to enjoy a break, when she found out her mom’s caregiver had quit.

And immediately, that familiar caregiver guilt showed up.

What am I supposed to do from here?
Am I allowed to be happy right now?

In this episode, Tina Rains, RN, and Melinda Lee Foster talk about the guilt that can creep in even when you are doing your best.

The guilt that shows up when you finally take a break.
The shame that says, “Shame on me for even feeling this way.”
The feeling that no matter what you do, it’s never enough.

They also talk about giving yourself grace, listening to the same story again, and knowing when someone you love may need more care than you can safely give.

This one is for the caregiver who loves deeply, but still gets tired.

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Transcript

I’m in Paris, and Mom’s caregiver quit

SPEAKER_01 0:09

I'm in Paris and I find out that my mom's caregiver has quit. Now, would she have quit if I was there? Probably. But now I'm thinking, like, what am I supposed to do? And at some point, this guilt can take over your entire life. It truly can. It can just like eat away all the good juju you got in your body. You know, it could just zap it, it can exhaust you and all that kind of stuff. So here I am on vacation in Paris and sick. Oh, too, by the way. And I said to myself, you just have to let this one go.

unknown 0:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

You just have to let it go. Your brother's there. You're going to come home. You're going to figure it out. And my favorite sayings, you know this things work out for me. Somehow. And God's constantly conspiring in my behalf. It's one of my other favorite sayings. And my mom's caretaker is gone by the time I get home. And another one has miraculously like a little angel stepped in.

Am I allowed to be happy right now?

SPEAKER_01 1:14

So any energy I had expended on feeling guilt and ruining my vacation would have been a total waste of in the moment and being happy right here, right now, and soaking up the fact that mom isn't my top priority right this second. And then this second, I'm allowed to be happy and not feel guilty about it.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

I love that. You know, I love that your brothers, though, also step in, and that helps you when you do want to take vacation. Because what I what I see all the time is that so many people like yourself, they don't have anybody. And so if they take one moment away or one step to go for a walk, or they take a vacation, they're like.

SPEAKER_01 2:01

But you know what? That's that's one of those things, and we just did this little live, we call it a workshop, whatever you want to call it. Doesn't like it's just like a tool, like a little toolbox is really what it really is a toolbox for caregivers. And there's some things in there that are actual techniques that a person can use to kind of like cut the cord so that you would let this go. If it's like this like big balloon taking energy all over your body, and you kind of like watch the balloon float into the sky and you cut the cord. That's one of my friends, and just like bye. And then in a few seconds it could come back, or a few minutes or a few hours, whatever. But you have to keep on letting it go, letting it go. Because sometimes we are not in control. What could I do from Paris for my mom? Nothing, nothing. I mean, I could have called the resident assistant and and said, you know, could you please make sure that my mom's being looked on, you know, looked after for the next couple of days until I get back and all that stuff. But my brother had it handled. I mean, sometimes we don't ask for help when we need it, and sometimes we've asked and been turned down and we never ask again. And then we become the martyr, and then we become the martyr, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:15

And that's not moving energy either. Right.

Guilt, love, and getting drained

SPEAKER_00 3:18

No, I agree. And you know, oftentimes guilt really comes from loving the person so much. But the reality is if we step into that guilty place, and we talked about that in the workshop, right? If we step into that feeling of guilt, then it actually has so takes so much negative energy in us. It just like we can't breathe because we're so overwhelmed with it, and then we're now good for our parents anyway, because we're annoyed, we're short-tempered, we haven't taken care of ourselves, all those things, right? But it originates if you really think about it when you think about guilt and how can I fix it, originates usually from a place of love because you love that person so deeply. So if you truly love that person so deeply, you need to love yourself equally as deeply, and you need to make sure you're taking care of you, so you can you can have those moments of just where you can breathe when they're so difficult because it it's inevitable. Unfortunately, the progression is inevitable, and it's gonna get worse if you don't get hold of it now.

SPEAKER_01 4:24

Well, and the thing is, like my my mom is in great shape, but she's going to be around for a little while, potentially. She could be around for another, she's 92. She could she could be one of those centagenarians and 102 years old. That that would mean literally for me as the caregiver, 10 more years. So when I kind of think about that, there's a piece of me that goes like, ah and then there's another piece of me. And then there's another piece of me that says, Okay, that would be great. If she, you know, especially if she's still as lively as she is right now and everything, that would be great. And I also need to pace myself, think of myself as the turtle versus the hare, rather than like trying to be everything for everybody all the time. Like, just take it a little easier, Melinda. Just this is I would say that caregiving for me has taught me right now in my life to be a little more calm, to take a deep breath, not expect big, crazy, you know, exciting things or not exciting things or whatever. Just like be can you just be present here right now and enjoy this part of your life? Can I just enjoy? Because a lot of people that as soon as I say my mom's still alive, she's 92, they're like, oh, you're so lucky, your mom's still alive, how fabulous. And I'm like, sometimes yes, sometimes no. You know, being totally honest, sometimes yes, and sometimes no.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

When you say that, how does that make you feel?

SPEAKER_01 6:02

It makes me feel so guilty to even have that thought. I've got to tell you a little story. So the other day, my brother was in town before we, I guess, I don't know, before we left or whatever. And mom calls me and she's like, she's bawling. She's because she's ups and downs, high as highs ups and downs. That's the way her dementia, whatever is showing up.

“You’ll be happier after I’m dead”

SPEAKER_01 6:27

And she's like, I just think you kids will be so much happier after I'm dead. So your mom says that to you. I'm like, Oh, mom, why do you even say that? Your brother talks to me. Well, she doesn't hear well. So by the third time you're repeating something to her, you're getting a little agitated yourself. So then that energy comes across as mean or belittling or something, and she thinks that we don't love her anymore, you know?

unknown 6:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

Because it is more work than we're used to. And we didn't have one of those like super nurturing mommies that took care of us all the time. She was kind of over here doing her thing, you know. So now all of a sudden, it's it's a very different dynamic, you know, in the family and everything. So um it's I'm trying to, like I said, I'm trying to lean into the yes, it's great to have a 92-year-old mom who's still pretty healthy. You know, that's a blessing. That's a huge, huge blessing. And someday she'll be gone. Probably her before me, but you never know, you know. But you know, someday she'll be gone. And I want to know that I embraced this love, I embraced this experience as best I could. Well, you know, I'm not always going to be perfect. You know, we have you said, like you've said this all the time, you gotta give yourself a little grace.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

You have to give grace, and that's one of the biggest things that I see with family members that are so stressed out is that they're not giving themselves any grace and they hold themselves to these standards that nobody could possibly achieve. You know what I mean? And so when you're caregiving, there's so many different things. Every day it's a new adventure, a new difficulty, a new feeling, you know, and um it's not gonna be the same. Your walk is not the same as someone else's, and so comparison as a caregiver will also cause you even more guilt, more stress.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

Yeah, and you're absolutely right. Sometimes I see these daughters that are like every day they stop by and have coffee with mom. Every day they're doing this,

Shame on me for even feeling this way

SPEAKER_01 8:35

or mom's living with them. It's a 24-7 thing, you know. Like, and then I go into shame. Shame on me for having any feelings like I'm feeling because look at so-and-so, they've got it so much worse. I hate that word, but it that it's so much more intense. Maybe that's a better way of saying it. Their caregiving is so much more intense than mine.

SPEAKER_00 8:57

How dare I have a thought of guilt or shame or you know, the interesting thing that happened just recently, I think I shared with you, was that someone mentioned to me that they actually had a parent that treated them horrible, and now they have their parent living in their home, and they're not nice to them. The child is being horrific, like yelling at their parent because they're like, Well, they don't understand. I'm like, Oh, but they do, and um, it's just this horrible situation. And I said to her, you know, the guilt that you're gonna feel when she's gone is gonna be horrific. Whatever she did to you, doing what you're doing to her, yelling at her, and she does it intentionally. She said, That's how I get that's how I get rid of my stress.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

I'm like, oh, and so kind of recipe for disaster, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 9:50

Yeah, the other thing was even when I was talking to an attorney the other day, he said, Will you be an advocate for some of my clients? And I said, For what exactly? He said, Well, because some of my clients, their kids, all they care about is not losing what's gonna be left of their inheritance, and so they don't want to spend money to take care of their parent, but it's their parents' money, and so he's like, and honestly, it works not just because I want my client to have the best care possible, they're gonna be so filled with guilt when their parent dies because money will not satisfy them, you know. But because they're three.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

You would think you would think there are a lot of very self-centered people in our society these days. I don't know if that's because people have stopped going to church and they'll or they they just they moved away from their family, so they've got their own little nuclear life here, and they're like a little satellite, whether it's technology, which has brought us away from communing with each other one-on-one, like human beings. But but we've become so, I mean, it's it's it's a little scary, and I can see that this there's this generation, and like like you're talking about, where's my money? When's when am I like if mom gets in this really nice assisted living or really nice independent care and she lives another 10 years, boom, there goes my inheritance. Gosh, I mean, we're lucky we're not in that situation at all. But I there are people who are counting on their parents' money coming to them so that they can live a lifestyle that they never provided for themselves.

When they need more care than you can give

SPEAKER_00 11:30

One of the key things that people feel really guilty about is when they need more care. So you've got the opposite, right? You've got this one group that just it's all about I, and then you've got this other group of siblings or you know, kids, or loved ones that especially if they're it's their spouses oftentimes, that they just can't care for them anymore. It's just too difficult, and they have to put them in an assisted living or they have to transition to memory care. The guilt from that is very difficult. And I I just want to encourage if there's anyone listening to this, because I do I spoke to someone the other day that was really struggling with that because she felt like she wasn't doing the best she could do for them, and it just broke her heart because she physically couldn't do it anymore. And I said, you know, sometimes you have to love them enough to let them go and really get the care they need because it does become a safety thing for both of you. You know, the individual was hitting and you know, he's heavy, she couldn't move him, and then she he's trying to hit her. I mean, it just wasn't a safe environment for either one of them now, right? Right. But you have to recognize that when those feelings come, you have to again, like you said, let them go and like stop and think about them and why am I feeling this way? Because I love that person dearly, but the reality is they have to be safe, you know. That's just practical, but difficult, very difficult.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Yeah, I was sitting in the bathroom by myself the other day, thank goodness, which you usually are when you're in the bathroom. So I sit in the bathroom, and I'm thinking, why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel guilty? Like, what what would it not matter what I'm doing? Would I is it is there just something like inside that just feels like it's never

Why does it feel like it’s never enough?

SPEAKER_01 13:34

enough? You know, I don't know if other people feel that way. I just I'm kind of wondering, like, if everyone could say, like, I feel guilty because X, when you start thinking of it that way, I feel guilty because I don't spend enough quality time with mom. Um, I didn't take her to the last doctor's appointment, or like, what is the thing that's creating this energy called guilt? Yeah, and you know that's not healthy in your body, any negative energy, and guilt is a negative energy. I don't care what anybody's saying, and it's going to manifest into it like your own illness. A lot of times, I've heard this to you. Tell me this is true. The caregiver gets more sick sometimes than the person that they're caregiving to.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Absolutely, because

When caregiving affects your health

SPEAKER_00 14:21

they're not sleeping. I just spoke to someone um this week. They weren't they have not slept in several years a whole night sleep at all. Because they cannot leave their loved one alone at all. And so they haven't slept a whole night's sleep. They had a caregiver and then they're struggling right now. They're we're trying to find them a caregiver. Um, you know, they're unfortunately, you know, because of their financial situation, it's it's a it's difficult, but they they don't want to put them in an assisted living. And so it just, you know, there's different circumstances. So she she's been sick, and then she ends up in the hospital, and then what? Then she has nobody to care for them, and they have to go to an assisted living. So it's it's been really taxing on her, and now she has all these health issues, and you see it all the time, all the time, because they don't sleep. The stress, when you have that stress on your body, and you have all of the increased cortisol in your in your body, cortisol, right? Stress, and that increases, all kinds of things start happening. It affects a lot of times.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

A lot of people gain weight because of cortisol response. I've heard that, I think that. Um so do you think that people should take a supplement, or do they just need to change their life and lifestyle?

SPEAKER_00 15:44

They need to get some help, they need to take time for themselves, they have to do self-care, get some family that can help you, get a friend, get a church, get somebody around you that can support you to give you, even if it's just a few minutes. But also, some of it is right in life, everything is a choice. We have to decide how we want to react, even to the tough stuff. And so, like, you know, like you said, okay, instead of when I feel that feeling of guilt or anger or bitterness or all those different feelings that you might be going through, because there's so many of them, just take a deep breath and stop and think about what it is that you're doing positively so that you're not, you know, you're not taking on that guilt because we're talking about guilt today specifically, but you know, and quit measuring yourself to other people who maybe are not in the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

It doesn't do anybody any good. You'll always find some for someone whose situation is worse than yours and somebody's situation who is better than yours. I like to think at the end of this scenario, and we always know that the way it ends, if you stop being a caregiver to your mom, it's because she passed, you know. So that we know that that's a uh an eventuality that there's gonna the your person that you're caregiving is no longer gonna be there. And you want to know that when that happens, that you were there, you did your best. You and you soak the love up, even sometimes when it's the most difficult thing that you're doing, is not pretending, but just holding the space for another person who's diminished at this point, right?

SPEAKER_00 17:23

Absolutely. I agree. I think it's really important. I think you touched on it. One of the most important things I would say that you touched on today that I want to remind everyone is give yourself some grace. Give yourself some grace and give them some grace because you can give them grace and give yourself grace. It's gonna help you number one, have less guilt because you did give them grace and your response was gentle, your response was loving and kind versus ha ha, you know, because when we respond with that anger

Give yourself and your loved one grace

SPEAKER_00 17:57

frustration, that has a lot to do with why we feel guilty too. Is okay, I only had X amount of time with her today, and I was frustrated with her the whole time, you know. So give them grace, give yourself grace, and you know what? Just take a deep breath.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

Yeah, deep breath a lot. I I go back to one of my other coping mechanisms when I'm feeling guilty, when I'm feeling shame, when I'm feeling all this stuff, is to like again take that deep breath. And then just I kind of go into my brain and I kind of go, This is an interesting story. There she is, she's telling that story again. Oh, wow, there she is. I wonder how many times I'm gonna hear that one today.

unknown 18:40

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

And and the whole time, the story that I've heard now, who knows how many times, I'm going like, uh-huh, yeah, mom. Oh, yeah, really? All right, as if I'm like enthusiastic, like I'm hearing it for the first time. And you know what though, Melinda? Inside yourself and outside yourself, too.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

Yeah, that's what I was just gonna say. And she's so thrilled because you're hearing her, because she has no concept, she's just told it to you 10 times, you know. Um, and she's just thrilled that she feels heard because so many seniors do not feel heard, and they have so many really great stories if we listen to them.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

So it's so true, it's so true. Yeah, well, we are blessed. We are we are so the lives that we have, that we have the health that we have, that we have the capacity to to be caregivers to the people in our lives, and then you also add on to that the professional side of it as well, which is great,

You’re not alone

SPEAKER_01 19:39

you know, there's like lots of different levels of it, and um just hoping that that the that the people who are listening, you know, gain some some insight, they do something, or they just come and want to hear our voices and know that there's somebody else who's in this with them. So absolutely we encourage you not just to subscribe, you're not alone, you know, to subscribe and continue to join us and share this with somebody that is also a caregiver who you know may just feel like found my tribe, you know, and we're the tribe of women who are, you know, daughters of a certain age who are caregiving to mothers who sometimes appreciate us and sometimes don't, you know, right honestly. So join us, pull up a chair, you're strong, you're senior right on time. We laugh, we love, we share, we laugh so we don't cry.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

Join us.