7 Warning Signs Your Parent May Need More Help

Sometimes the signs are there before a crisis. Families just are not always sure what they mean.

In this episode, we walk through 7 warning signs your parent may need more help and talk about what to watch for before things get worse. We also touch on caregiver stress, safety concerns, and why waiting too long can make everything harder.

This episode is for family caregivers who want clarity, support, and a better sense of what to do next.

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Transcript

Why families miss the early signs

SPEAKER_01 0:00

We laugh so we don't cry. We're tired but we still try. Holding up the ones we love with coffee courage in time.

SPEAKER_02 0:10

And this is not funny. I shouldn't be laughing when I say this to you, but about a year ago, Dixie was walking into the house. Something happened. She lost her balance and she fell on her hand. Broke her hand. And and I thought this is just the beginning of her slide down, you know? And uh, you know, so she's walking around with this cast and everyone's signing it, and she's getting all this attention. Of course, my mom loved that, but you know, breaking your wrist to get attention is really not the smartest thing. But it just really kind of made me realize there are probably these things that you're probably very well aware of, some warning signs that this is happening. And like a child, it's like you kind of like go like, oh, I don't really want to see this, because you know that the next step is you're gonna need to spend a lot more time with your parents because they're gonna need you more. So okay, your turn. You tell me something that's gonna make me feel better.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Oh my gosh. Well, this is the thing is that medically, even one fall, Melinda, one is really significant. And so falls are one of the biggest predictors that someone may need additional support, whether it's going to an assisted living or it's getting a caregiver. That is actually

Sign 1: Changes in memory and daily routines

SPEAKER_00 1:35

oftentimes when seniors end up in the hospital from a fall and they are discovered and they really start putting the family members, start putting the pieces together, and they say, Oh no, what are we gonna do? You know, and so it's really about what caused it. Is it weakness, is it balance issues, is it medication side effects, is it visual changes? And once somebody falls, the problem is they typically end up falling again. Right, the risk is much, much greater.

SPEAKER_02 2:06

Wow. And you know, uh to be honest, I did this like the little monkey. I like, I see nothing, you know, because I just kind of wanted it to be all okay. And I'm sure that there are other caregivers that feel the same way I do. They just want it to kind of like go away, all be okay. So we're not paying attention. So falling is one thing that we need to be paying attention to. What's the what's another one of those things?

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Well, there's there's a few other seven of them, right? But it's okay, it's worth paying attention, especially when they fall, because that is one of the key ones. And it means the risk just goes like exponentially higher that they shouldn't be alone. Um, because what happens is they end up in a major crisis. Oftentimes, say they break a hip. Well, then they end up um septic, they end up, you know, with infections, and then they and it's just a spiral, then their kidney shut down. So it's one thing after another. One of the other things to really watch for is difficulty with their daily living. So their clothes, their unopened mail. I don't know about Dixie.

SPEAKER_02 3:11

So when I go into her apartment and I try to, you know, like do some of the things that we've been teaching ourselves to do is like take a deep breath, and then I walk in, and I can tell what's going on with her by the state of her surroundings. Absolutely, like if she's if she's not with it, there's stuff all over the kitchen counter. This the mail has stacked up. I don't know if there are bills in there. She there, there's stuff like that. Every space, and that was not that is not who my mom has always been. She has been a super neat, so it's really different behavior, yeah, than I have seen in the past.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

It's like the all their daily living things, right? So they're all of a sudden, like you said, their houses oftentimes are messed, or they're not eating. You've seen that they're losing weight, you're seeing that their dress dressing isn't even matching, and especially like someone like Dixie, right? She's always supreme of it. Perfect,

Sign 2: Missed meds, appointments, or important tasks

SPEAKER_00 4:10

yeah. You know, and or toileting, you know, they're having issues with toileting. They're um, those are called what we call activities of daily living, because those are the things that become more and more difficult, especially as dementia gets worse, because neurologically they just get more and more impaired. So things like touch, the feelings in their feet, sometimes they'll have um a lack of sensation in their feet. So they trip because they're not feeling things like they used to, and things like that. So it's really about their function on a daily basis changing.

SPEAKER_02 4:46

So when you start seeing those daily functions changing, it's a big so then it's time, it's time to bring a caregiver in. I mean, like, well, so give me a couple more because I'm not quite ready to hire a caregiver yet. So give me a more things that I have to be looking at.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

So if you're not convinced yet that those warning signs, then you know, if you're listening to this, we're both daughters, you know, of mothers that um we're going through the same topics with ourselves. So we laugh so we don't cry, right? But it's it's a hard thing. So I don't want to minimize that as we're getting right.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

And if I'm laughing, it's not laughing at my mom. I'm kind of like laughing at the whole situation, and it just helps it helps me deal. I've got to find ways to deal that so I can keep my sanity because if I don't keep my sanity, then I'm not gonna be any good to anybody around me. And a lot of people, just like you, count on us. You know, it's not just our parents, it's our spouses, it's your children, it's my dogs, you know. Everything like I said is is is uh counting on us, and it's exhausting sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

It is very exhausting. But think about the next thing, the third warning sign is memory changes. Think about your mom and her memory changes. It's been big this last year.

SPEAKER_02 5:59

The the repeating of the stories, the stories always going like back real far. She's telling all these old stories over and over. She can't seem to remember like a time to go to an appointment, like a doctor's appointment. The memory is gone. I mean, I'll have to tell her 10 times and then know that she still doesn't quite have it yet. So her ability to retain information is really pretty fascinating, you know. It is uh in a scary way.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

It is scary. And you know what? When you think about it, they're they start forgetting their medications, they forget to eat. So that's why you see oftentimes that they lose weight, they forget and leave an appliance on. How many times have

Sign 3: Falls, balance issues, and safety concerns

SPEAKER_00 6:40

I heard from a family member, my dad left the stove on and there was a fire, or my dad left a stove on, and then when he went back in the kitchen, he burned his hand. So you'll start seeing these signals because their memory loss, which means their cognitive decline is happening, and the memory loss really causes them to be put in a dangerous situation where they could be injured, and the safety is a huge issue with their memory loss because they just don't put one plus one together to make two anymore. And so, structure for them and supervision is really, really important. The fourth science is medication problems, which is also related to the memory, you know, the they're trying to remember that they took a pill. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 7:27

Exactly so now they're doubling up on some things or forgetting it all together.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

I can imagine that uh yeah, that's that's a big easy or you know, when if they're someone that might have pain and they have something prescribed for pain, suddenly they're loopy, you don't understand why. Well, they've just taken three because they forgot they took it, and now they're OD'd with their medication, and so it's a huge battle. So it is really important to use some of the you know, the peel organizers and things like that, because that is a big deal for them. And oftentimes they don't want the family member to mess with them, they're like, I can do it, I can do it, you know.

SPEAKER_02 8:06

Right, there's a there's this um certain amount of independence and pride. It's like I'm not a kid, I'm not a baby, you know, don't treat me, but they're acting like it.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

I know, I know. And the problem with the medication mismanagement is it's one of the top causes, leading causes for the seniors to end up in the hospital. And so then on top of the piling that on, now they're in the hospital, and you're dealing with all of that, and they're dealing with it, they're sick, they're either double dose, they're missing dose, they have cardiac issues, suddenly they're they're you know having these cardiac issues because they haven't taken their cardiac medication in a week because they just forgot and in their mind they thought they'd already taken it. So their their health begins to decline. And so the fifth warning sign is they're declining health because their declining health often is related to nutrition and to medication. And um, I think you mentioned before the Dixie and her, you know, her weight loss that she had.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

Yeah, she was down to 74 at one point this past year. And I said, Mom, if you don't start eating, I can't, I'm not hungry. I don't, nothing tastes

Sign 4: Weight loss, hygiene, or changes in appearance

SPEAKER_02 9:15

good. You know, that whole thing happens too. I mean, they're they're just they're just feeling different inside. It's like it used to be she was struggling to keep her weight off, you know, and now we're like, come on, mom, you need to eat. You need like half a bowl of ice cream, have a piece of pie. It's okay, you can afford it. And she just like she'll take two bites and she's done and everything. And it's it's sad, it's really kind of sad to see her.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

Tiny little lady anyway.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

So tiny, she's all bent over now. I mean, it's it's really pretty sad, but but but she's still got that zest for life, you know, because she's like, We're so cute, she's such a sweetie.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

Well, and malnutrition and dehydration is the other big one when it comes to you know their health is oftentimes seeing UTIs dehydrate, they get the UTIs from dehydration, from even from not wiping themselves as well because they don't have a sensory in their hands. And so that's part of why we actually partnered with that technology I told you about, right? Because it actually signals the um family members to know when these changes are happening, if their parents are still living on their own, because it is difficult to know. You just get, you know, and oftentimes they tell you what you want to hear. Everything is fine, everything is fine, I don't have any problems, and they won't even tell the doctors when they go in. Oh no, I'm doing fine.

SPEAKER_02 10:39

That's why I have to go to the doctor's appointments with my mom because I know she between her hearing and her like wanting to look good, she really won't tell the truth. You know, I'm having troubles here, I'm having trouble with my bowels, I'm having trouble with my sleep, I'm having all these all these issues kind of at once, and it's it's kind of like whack-a-mole. You start working on this one, and then something else will pop up over there, and everything right away. By the by the way, and we don't have the cut for this, but I just want to you know, I'm not I'm not having a hot flash. This is the niacin. I took my niacin that Dr. Porter suggested. Uh-huh. I'm having a niacin flush right now.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

Oh, wow. Well, we'll we'll let our our listeners will hear all about that later.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

But another thing guys, we're gonna learn about the niacin, my friends. Um but when you were going back to malnutrition, dehydration, like it it really does. They lead that leads to weakness, so that increases their fall risk, leads to confusion, all that increases their fall risk,

Sign 5: Isolation, confusion, or withdrawal

SPEAKER_00 11:45

and then they get sick, and so oftentimes what happens if they do get a UTI, they get more confused than they already were because of their ammonia levels. So it's like this spiral effect, and so when you look at the sixth um warning sign, it's makes it even worse. So I mean we're already in six, we're already in six, which is the isolation and mood. Yeah, now I don't see Dixie, she doesn't isolate herself, it doesn't sound like that. She's lonely, and loneliness is sometimes um one of the things that people don't want to talk about, right? Because it makes you feel so guilty as a daughter or son that you have to admit that your parents are lonely, and you know you can't bring them into your home for whatever reason or the distance. And being in Florida, a lot of seniors are down in Florida whose family members live thousands of miles away because so many people retired here. But you know, you can feel it when you walk in their house. I know when I walk in my mom's house, she only gets out like once a week and maybe twice to go to the doctor or to the to the um to the grocery store. And oftentimes I'll catch her just orders online so she doesn't even have to do that because she doesn't want to get out. She doesn't want to move, she wants to sit in her chair and watch shows all day long. And so isolation really, really tremendously, I can't even tell you how bad it affects their mental and physical health. Because once they start getting lonely, they get depressed and they have more cognitive decline. Then they have the overall health deterioration in general. And so connection and companionship are huge, huge parts of it. And so sometimes just having that caregiver in the house for a few hours a day to just visit and to just help with meals, to just make sure they're getting dressed. And like we have just companions and sitters that all they do is just go love on the individual. They don't help with you know bathing, they don't help with dressing, they just are companions because they can, you know, double check, make sure she's done her things correctly, and um, but they don't do any of the care themselves. So that's a big, big one. And I see that in my mom, which scares me.

SPEAKER_02 14:14

If I'm being an isolation thing, yeah. We we actually have a caregiver that comes

Sign 6: Driving, judgment, and risky decisions

SPEAKER_02 14:20

in. Um, she's more along the lines of what you're talking about, so not qualified to really be checking and dispensing medication, but simply coming in and having a coffee in the morning with mom, you know, and she was walking the mom's dog until mom's dog passed. And then we just said, keep up stopping in, because I like knowing that my mom's alive, that she got out of bed. Or if she didn't get out of bed, you know, like what's going on? But if I'm not there to check in on her, you know, it's it's that it's that constant awareness that a child, well, my in my case, I even though she's vivacious and zipping around and going dancing at the local pizza place, you know, on Friday nights, you know. Um, that's great. But is she getting up in the morning? Or is she okay? If she doesn't, if she does in her case, she's at an independent living and so she's pressing a button. So there's at least some awareness that that she's alive and well that kind of comes through. And it's so important as a as a child to know that your parents all right, because between the guilt and and and then just like fear, yeah, you're afraid for them, you know, that's not good energy.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

When you live out of town, that's even harder to diagnose, or you know, no, because you're not there, and they're just telling you what you want to hear when you call. And so that's why a lot of people around the country are reaching out to us, even for the software that I mentioned, because it's a couple hundred dollars a month, but you get to know what's going on with your parent because it's like three plugins, it's very simple.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

So let's let's finish the number seven and then let's come back. And I want to know more about that technology. Can you go into that a little bit?

SPEAKER_00 16:04

I'll expand on it later, but it's definitely a key thing for um situations where this the family members are not close by. But the last one is the home safety, and I know you just talked about that about your mom and her safety. Like, what are the hazards you see in your mom's house? I see rugs in the kitchen that she could trip over.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

Yeah, I see old food in the refrigerator that's not marked or dated or anything, and she's I I think it goes back to that scarcity. You know, there's doesn't have like we never had any money, like when she was little, and I think she's going back to that, like almost like regressing into her childhood. Like she didn't have food. They didn't, you know, like there was there was a lot of there was a lot of uh they were very, very poor. And um, so I think that there's there's that. Um just getting to and from the bathroom. I am concerned about the rugs

Sign 7: Caregiver stress and knowing when it’s too much

SPEAKER_02 17:00

that are around and and everything there. So she doesn't have steps, thank goodness. Um I don't know, it's just it's it's just the overall like not, you know, being there to watch out for her that really is the scariest for me.

SPEAKER_00 17:17

Wow, and you just named some of the very top ones because some of the very top issues that they have are stairs. Parents falling down the stairs, they're still trying to climb stairs, even though they're weaker, etc. Rugs should just be taken out, honestly. Um because they're the number one fall risk for them. Because especially if they start getting a little lip on them and they trip. So, some key things that they can do is to get rid of the rugs and put safety bars in the bathroom. So when they get up, they get down. And if there's ledges, get rid of the ledges if possible. If there's stairs, get, you know, maybe you if they don't want to move into a whole different house, maybe there's a bedroom that you could use downstairs. So environmental risks really are a huge piece. You combine that with the physical, the cognitive decline, and you're setting your parent up for some huge, serious injuries. And so that's why home modifications and there's companies you can hire locally. You know, we come in and we can look at some of that stuff here locally, but if you're enlisting, a lot of people are national. There's a lot of companies in um your community that will come and evaluate your seniors' home for them for you. And some of the tools that they offer are phenomenal. Also, the seniors, we talked about the food. There's different organizations. I know here in South Florida we have great organizations, Meals on Wheels, and the offer dolls now have an organization where they go and anyone that can't afford food, et cetera, they literally come into all the underprivileged parents' homes and give them food. So there's a lot of things that can be done to help. But overall, the key is this if you have listened to these seven warning signs and you're saying to yourself, oh my goodness, my parent has all of those, I'm gonna encourage you to really take some time and speak to your go spend some time with your your parent and make some decisions because you have to get some help for them if they have those warning signs.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

It's so easy to ignore these, but when they start to mount up and if you don't pay attention, that's when disaster happens. That's when a crisis happens, that's when the fall happens, that's when the that's when they fall and then they're in the hospital and they're never coming back.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

And that's, I mean, we're trying to avoid that situation. We don't want your parent or my parents or anyone's parent to be, you know, in a hospital on a ventilator and just wasting away until they actually truly pass.

What to do before a crisis happens

SPEAKER_00 20:00

To the Lord, to the Lord, but still the thing is that oftentimes if they do have a fall and they get a brain brain injury, they may not be bad enough to pass away, but they end up in this this state of just a vegetative state for the last yeah, and then their last years are horrible when it could be prevented. So really it's up to us to have those conversations, to get the support, and if nothing else, to either bring in a caregiver, or if you're not sure, maybe you only have a few of the warning signs and you're not sure what to do, and you want a deeper evaluation. There's some tools out there, and that's why we, like I said, partnered with the software because it literally listens to what's going on with your parents. Explain this to me. I'm I'm kind of intrigued by this whole idea because I'm just saying we're using, we literally just um we're looking for something for our assisted living home that we're building, and it's phenomenal. It literally, you have three plugins, and it works by listening to what's going on in the bedroom, in the living room, in the bathroom, and it will detect any kind of major changes that your parents having. They're going to the bathroom more often, they fell, but you didn't know they did, or they're having a little conversation to themselves. Did I take my medicine? I don't remember if I took my medicine, but all those key little conversations. But if your parent falls, it will automatically send a notice to the family member. It's it's phenomenal. And um, I think that it's you know a necessity nowadays. Sounds like your family's home. No, that is my dog coming in. They just came in the dog door just saying we got pets around here. We love our dogs.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

Um if someone's interested, I know you said you're not selling all that kind of stuff, but will you will you give people uh an idea of where they can where they can find out more about the Information because it is intriguing, you know, to think that I mean it's different than a nanny cam, right?

unknown 22:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

Um, and it would be in different rooms, just kind of like tracking people's movements and because people have rhythms.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

I think something that caregivers really need to understand though, too, is like them getting help, whether it's a caregiver or the software, it is it is not because you're a failure. It is not because you've done something wrong. And I think that is part of why sometimes families, when I meet with them, it's usually in a disaster situation or an emergency situation, is because they will just verbalize to me, Tina. I've just I hated to like make her feel like we were like getting in her space so much. But at this stage, you just have to, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_02 22:51

Well, I keep on saying to myself, you know, like mom, you took good care of us when we were kids, and now it's our turn to take care of

Final thoughts and encouragement for families

SPEAKER_02 23:00

you. Um, but that independence piece of her, you know, really doesn't want to give into us doing what we think. Like we did not think that she should have a pet. One of the reasons was 40% of the people that are her age that end up falling, breaking a bone, it's pet related. Cats wrapping around their beat. So anyway, we did the we did the whole thing, uh, ended up taking the cat back because it just didn't, it just did not work out. And um, and we tried to tell her, we tried to tell her it's sometimes it's it is a challenge because here's this adult, and now you are the parent. I am the parent now, and I never had children, so I don't know what it's like to argue with the two-year-old. You use that example all the time.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

You say you're never gonna win an argument with the two-year-old, you know. I'm like, well, and you're not. I got a 92-year-old and I can't win the argument with her either.

unknown 23:53

Jeez.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

This is the laugh so we don't cry part, right?

SPEAKER_00 23:57

That's right. And I'm gonna say, like, if this conversation resonated with you and you're listening today, share it with someone who needs to hear it because most families don't get the guidance until after it is an emergency. And we want to change that. We want to help families. And this is we laugh, so we do not cry. We want to laugh more than we're crying. You know, I'm gonna take us out, I'm gonna pray us out. How about that? Laura, pray us out. Thank you for this night. Thank you for um just sharing these tools with us, giving us the opportunity to share them with everyone listening. And I pray for each family member that they would not feel alone, that they would feel supported, and that um we could just be a source of inspiration, encouragement, support. And um, I pray for each family represented that's listening today. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 24:50

Thanks for being here, and we look forward to seeing you next week. And subscribe. Oh, yes, and always subscribe.

SPEAKER_01 24:59

So join us, pull up a chair, you're strong, you're senior right on time. We laugh, we love, we share, we laugh so we don't cry. Join us.