How to Be a Good Caregiver Without Losing Yourself

Caregiving can leave you feeling overwhelmed, guilty, and like you are not doing enough, even when you are trying your best.

In this episode, Tina and Melinda talk honestly about what it feels like when caregiving starts to wear you down. They talk about comparison, burnout, grief, and the pressure to keep holding everything together. They also talk about what really makes a good caregiver, and why taking care of yourself matters too. 

If you have been feeling stretched thin or like you are losing yourself in caregiving, this conversation is for you.

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Transcript

When caregiving feels like too much

SPEAKER_01 0:00

We love so we don't cry. We're tired but we still try. Holding up for the ones we love with coffee courage in time.

SPEAKER_02 0:09

So what really bothers me, Tina, is you know I love my mom. But this sometimes is just is too much. It's like it's breaking me. It's like it's breaking me. When I called you the other day, I was at my I think wits and I was exhausted. It was, you know, it was mom. It was Joe. It was Joe's puppy. It was, you know, my brother coming into town. I'm going, my other brother coming into town. It's like, it was like I was like, right? It's like tear my hair out. And I don't like feeling guilty, but

Comparison makes it worse

SPEAKER_02 0:45

I do. I feel guilty and I'm doing the best I can.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

What do I say? Bless your heart. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot. It's a lot of overwhelm, right? Right. It is.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

You know, but it's like I'm I think the other thing too is because I've talked to more people about caregiving. And there's a piece of me that feels like, you little piece, you know what? You know, you know, you have it so good compared to some other people and what they're experiencing in their caregiving. You know, uh, a mom who's got a child who's never gonna leave and they have to like lock everything, every cabinet in their house, like because that child will get into things, 20 some years old now, never going away. Whoa, whoa, that's hard caregiving, you know. I've got a different kind of caregiving, but I know I shouldn't I shouldn't compare myself to other people because we all have our own story and our own experiences, and there's no better or worse, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:49

No, absolutely not. And I would say comparison on any level will destroy you because it just fills you with guilt, it just fills you with condemnation, you know, and makes you feel like, wow, I'm just not good enough and I'm not a nice person. And that's not truth. I know you, I've known you for 20 years, right? Um, and I I can imagine that if someone's listening, they are like, I get it, I feel it, because most people don't say these types of things out loud. But I do believe that you hiding your feelings makes it that much worse, right?

SPEAKER_02 2:25

You know, like it's stuck in there, this this negative energy,

You have to fill your bucket

SPEAKER_02 2:30

and that is so depleting. And what we're trying to do, what I'm trying to do now is understand okay, I am depleting myself, I need to fill my bucket, as my brother would say, with good stuff that gives me good energy, good juice, you know, whatever. And and then I can be there, like we said, it's like the axe oxygen mask. Then I can be there for my mom. But when I am in this, you know, I'm fatigued, I've got emotional stress, you know, and I and there's a like a little sense of grief. Like I'm almost grieving my mom before she's even gone because she's not the woman that she used to be. You know, so our whole relationship is different, and there's a sadness that goes along with that. Um, that you really don't feel like you can say out loud because as with one gal, she's a caregiver and she goes, No one wants to hear your wah, wah. You know, she's like your wah, wah.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Sorry. And I started asking me, it's like, yeah, you're right. Wah, wah, no one. She said, No one wants to be your friend when you're just wah wah and you know.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

So well, and that's why you need to be around other caregivers to like share, not to stay in the wah wah. Yeah, because if you stay there, it's depressing because you do have constant responsibility, no break,

What makes a good caregiver

SPEAKER_00 3:51

you know, you're like you're exhausted from all the decision making, the emotional stress, the grief, all that combined, like it's a lot.

SPEAKER_02 3:59

It is, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:00

Yeah, it's you know, you're just you have to find those those things where you can kind of redefine what a good caregiver is.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You give me. Give me like what do you think a good caregiver is? Give me, give me some things that I can like hold my hat on.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

All right, so a good caregiver is someone that loves their parents, okay, that is doing the best they can check in this moment, you know, because we're gonna make mistakes. And we've talked about this before, right? Is that no one parent and no one dementia situation is the same. So there's not really a playbook. We can help you with some of the ways to have conversations with them, all that type of thing. But the reality is a lot of it's learning by what works best for them and it's trial and error. Just like as a parent, there's no playbook as a parent, right? And there's no perfection. And I think sometimes people have this um perfectionism, and if they make one mistake, it just rocks their world, they don't know what to do, and then it depresses them, and so they stay in a place of depression. So I encourage you, Melinda, like, what are the good things that you're doing? Like, focus on some of those. And when you do see yourself maybe not being the best version of yourself, do like you're doing, implement some of the things that you've learned and some, you know, test a few ways of communicating because that's usually the hardest is the communication with them. Right. And that to me is a good caregiver that cares enough about their parent to try to do the best

Taking care of yourself matters too

SPEAKER_00 5:43

they can with them and give themselves permission too, to and a little grace to not be perfect because you're not gonna be perfect, no one is right, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:52

Cause I mean, I I know that perfection is not reality, whatever. And and this whole Caregiver burnout thing is just I think I'm not the only one. And you know, the other thing that kind of comes and goes, you know, I'll be like, huh, I was like a my Woodsend the other day when we talked, and then and then I kind of got back, you know, I kind of got my got some good night's sleep and I started doing my exercises again and you know, cutting back on alcohol because that was kind of like a like a go-to that's not necessarily the healthiest go-to, you know, to like take away some of that negative energy. But anyway, it's like it's like, you know, that's a whole process of trying to be, you know, the best you can be. And I think that I want to add in um a good caregiver is someone who takes care of themselves. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

That's a smart, wise caregiver. Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

Because if you feel like trying to grow a whole community of wise caregivers that take care of themselves, yes, absolutely.

You are not failing

SPEAKER_00 6:52

And if you feel like you're so overwhelmed that you're just completely failing and you're listening to this, we want to say you are not failing. This is really normal, right? And I know it's hard to say it, I know it's hard to even you know address it sometimes, but the most important thing to remember is that you just have to take one step at a time and give yourself some grace. And you're not alone. You hear Melinda, right? I mean, girl, you you've been through it, and yet you keep coming back and just doing the best you can each day.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

And then you're free therapy, Tina.

SPEAKER_01 7:32

I'm here for the free therapy.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

That's good. That's good. I'll do the best I can, and I'm not a therapist, but I can tell you though, that

Making time for yourself

SPEAKER_00 7:43

having you know had a fairly stressful life myself, like I have to practice a lot of what I preach and you know, implement things myself. And I haven't been the greatest about caring for myself either. So here recently, I'm like, no, I'm getting out there. Last night I walked for two hours with a friend, and you know, I'm starting to make the time. I'm like, I cannot put myself last and help everybody around the world and take care of my family and take care of business, and then team with suffering and yourself, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:14

And you notice how that that where that you were the last one in the list that you exactly, but we have to like flip

You do not have to do this alone

SPEAKER_02 8:22

it so if we do this, then we're better.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

I can tell you I'm a much nicer person when I'm working out because I take the stress off of myself. I know, I know.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

Well the other thing too is we want people to subscribe and be a part of the community and not feel alone in this experience because no one is alone. I mean, sometimes you're isolated because you're taking you're a caregiver and you're not out there in the world as much as you would maybe like to be. But so we get to be a little piece of that that neighborhood, that real estate in your brain, where hopefully um you're benefiting from some sometimes wisdom, sometimes, sometimes laughter, sometimes a little wisdom. Yeah, a little wisdom. But uh, it's all good.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

So yeah, we'd love to have you in our community, and we're really grateful that you're listening. And you know, if you need some free resources, we have them on our website. We laugh so we don't cry dot com. As well as you could schedule a free 15-minute call. So reach out to us, we're here for you. You aren't alone. Absolutely. So join us, pull up a chair, you're strong, you're senior right on time.

SPEAKER_02 9:35

We laugh, we love, we share, we laugh so we don't cry.

SPEAKER_00 9:40

Join us.