Staying Sane in Caregiving: How to Hold Your Thoughts Captive

Caregiving can feel overwhelming, especially when frustration, anxiety, and exhaustion start to build.

In this episode, Tina and Melinda talk honestly about those hard caregiving moments — the moments when you feel yourself getting short, reactive, or emotionally drained — and what it looks like to pause, breathe, and reset before frustration takes over.

They share personal stories, what they’ve learned from recent expert conversations, and practical ways to interrupt negative thought patterns, respond with more peace, and stay grounded in difficult moments. They also talk about laughter, support, and why caregivers need tools that help them carry the emotional weight of this season.

If caregiving has felt especially heavy lately, this episode is for you. 

🎙️ In this episode:
• How to pause before reacting in frustration
• Why replacing negative thoughts can change your response
• Simple breathing practices for anxious caregiving moments
• The role of laughter in breaking stress and tension
• Why support and respite matter more than most caregivers realize
• A practical app that can help families coordinate care and reduce caregiver isolation

Hosts:
Tina Rains, RN
Melinda Lee Foster

Mentioned in this episode:
Aone Healthcare app (Apple iPhone/iPad App Store only)

Thanks for listening to We Laugh So We Don’t Cry — honest conversations, real support, and a little laughter for the caregiving journey.

🌐 Podcast Website

✅ Free Guides & Resources: Join our Facebook group, explore free downloads, or book a free 15-minute call with a care navigator. 

🤍 Thanks to our sponsor, MasterPiece Care, for providing free caregiver guides and resources. You can also book a free conversation call with Tina Rains, RN through MasterPiece Care at the link above.

📘 Ebook for Family Caregivers on Amazon

🔔 Subscribe for Weekly Episodes
New episodes every week.

#caregiving #caregiverburnout #agingparents #stressmanagement #caregiversupport #podcast #welaughsowedontcry

Transcript

Intro

SPEAKER_02 0:10

Hey everyone, welcome back to very early. How was your week? Mine was crazy.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

It's been good. You know, I've always got you know Dixie stories, but uh it's your turn this week to tell us.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

So this week it's been you know interesting because sometimes when you're dealing with your seniors, and this happened to me just recently.

The paperwork frustration that triggered this conversation

SPEAKER_02 0:36

I've asked for my mother to do something for quite some time now, and there's some things she's willing to do and some things she's not willing to do, even though her capacity is a little bit better than your mom's is, and she just has not been willing to do it. And it's some paperwork stuff to help her financially,

Holding your thoughts captive in hard caregiving moments

SPEAKER_02 0:54

and it's been so frustrating. And um, one of the episodes we just had with Dr. Porter, he's talking about how we have that choice, though, of not getting frustrated and reacting in love and reacting in joy. And so it takes, you know, us stopping, holding our thoughts captive, and replacing that frustration moment with nope, I'm not doing that. With, okay, I'm gonna breathe in this moment and I'm gonna replace it with the good thoughts and all the beauty of who my mom is and who she is to me. And so I literally caught myself getting frustrated with her because of the situation. And then I just stopped and I breathed, and I just took a real deep breath and said, okay, Lord, I'm believing that greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world. And so I'm not gonna be that person that is not kind. I'm not gonna be that person that isn't gentle. I'm choosing to love this woman who I know loves me dearly, she treasures me. I replaced it with three different thoughts because, as Patrick Porter reminded us, it doesn't just take one positive thought to replace the negative, it takes at least three. And it's a habit that we have to form. And, you know, God created our brains in a way that are so incredible. The neuroplasticity, we get to change the neuropathways of our brains if we choose to. We get to change how we react to people if we choose to. And so for me, how I deal with difficulty in any scenario, but especially in whether I'm dealing with sometimes family members who are getting upset with each other, and I'm trying to work through that, help them work through it. And I'm having to breathe because it's just getting so chaotic between the two family members, fighting and treating each other horribly, is to just go back to the word of God, go back to meditating on the word of God, taking a deep breath, remembering who I am in him, and how would he react?

Replacing negative thoughts with who your parent really is

SPEAKER_01 2:57

I was just curious. The situation with your mom, and this was again, we had an episode with Dr. Patrick Porter, and he said, you know, you're in this rut. It's like you're on a rut with this thought process, you know, you're feeling bad. Right now, off the top of your head, you're having this negative thought about mom's not doing what I asked her to do repeatedly. I'm now frustrated. So, like, what are the other three thoughts that you might have that you could replace it with?

SPEAKER_02 3:22

So I replace it with she's always been my biggest cheerleader. I'm dealing with the woman who I know adores me. My mom loves me and she does. And she's my greatest prayer warrior. She has been the best caregiver for my children. When I wanted to, you know, I was running a big organization. She was the one that gave up her career as a nurse to take care of my kids. Like she is that woman. And so I have to revert to who she really is to me and not the um stories that she might tell me four or five, six times. Every time I talk to her, she tends to tell me the same stories, or she tends to do what she wants to do and not take care of other things. And then sometimes I feel like she acts like she's hopeless, or you know, she has to have it all done for her. But in fact, she doesn't like what she wants to do, she goes and does. Um, and so um she just selective. That's the word. She's selective on the things that she remembers to do or doesn't remember to do.

SPEAKER_01 4:27

But I I love what you were saying that that these are like three or four or five. You had, you know, really lovely feelings and how that shifts whatever the brain chemistry from going like I want to strangle her, you know, to like, wow, how lucky am I that I've got this cheerleader on the planet that loves and adores me,

Breathing through stress and caregiver anxiety

SPEAKER_01 4:52

and and and then and and another good thing, and another good thing, and then all of a sudden your energy has shifted.

SPEAKER_02 4:59

It does, and it doesn't change the problem or the situation, right? But it changes how I respond to it, and that is what we as caregivers, I think, have to remember more than anything, and we have to focus on because if not, we go crazy over the small stuff, and it's like any relationship, like a marriage. If you have a bad marriage and all you're focused on is your spouse's faults, eventually you're gonna say, I'm done, right? Well, that's oftentimes how you see how I see a lot of caregivers treating their family members after years because they're so done, they're so spent, they're exhausted, they're they feel like they're going crazy dealing with it. Because in essence, it is hard, it is difficult. I'm not discounting that, but we also have a choice how we real react to the people who love us the most.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Right, right. Yeah, having that feeling. So with um with Dixie, I've been trying to, like before I go in to see her, like pause for just a moment and take that deep breath. That was the other tip that we got that I thought was just, I mean, it's just so amazing that something as simple as consciously breathing, bringing that oxygen in, because again, this was just like fresh in our mind, you're like the Dr. Porter is that he was saying, like, you can go from being having this kind of negative energy. He did some scientific term that I have no idea, I can't repeat it, but you know, to like choosing this heightened positive approach. And then all of a sudden, you know, you're reacting differently than you would if you didn't take the time to breathe and think it through and and all that. And that's what this platform is really all about is making those better choices for ourselves because it's it's making your life a lot happier. I mean, mine is, and I I love this because again, Dr. Porter said something like this. And I'm like I kind of do that. Like before I fall asleep every night, I lay in bed and I say, Dear God, thank you for letting me have another day on the planet, and for all the good that I learned. And I learned this from somebody, and I I think I gave a little here, and all of a sudden my energy is just like I feel like a flower that's like blossoming, you know, rather than like a shrinking, like, oh, it was a terrible day, you know, and you the at the last thought is something negative or whatever, you know, before you fall asleep, like really trying to uh envelop yourself, myself. That's what I do. Like try to envelop myself with this feeling like um God's got me. I'm I'm in loving hands, I can handle all of this. It's gonna be okay. In fact, it's gonna be better than good. You know, I actually I try to like leave space for the magic that that like I'll I'll have a prayer, like, oh, you know, let something like you know happen that'll be good or whatever. And then I go like and and and I and I try to like add in like and and leave enough space. Oh, there's my light, and leave enough space so that God can come in and do his part and his magic too to make it even more better than I than I thought it was gonna be, you know, and and that usually occurs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:21

Well, and you know, a lot of people deal with anxiety. A lot of the caregivers get in place of anxiety. Am I gonna miss something? Am I going to mistreat them? Am I going to mess this up? But you know, there's so much anxiety. And so one of the things that I go back to oftentimes is the scripture, 1 Peter 5, 7 says, cast all, not cast some, but cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. And so when you're in that place of

Why movement and laughter help combat stress

SPEAKER_02 8:50

feeling stressed, you're feeling anxious, if you do take that deep breath and find that verse for you, or find, you know, if you're not a Christian and you're listening to this, find what works for you, that positive affirmation, that positive word. But for me, it's the word of God. And you take a scripture and you go deep breath. And as you take four seconds in and take eight seconds out, and you take that slow deep breath in and long breath out, and you just do that a couple of times. Literally, it does change your sympathetic systems, it takes you out of that fight or flight, it takes takes you into more of a relaxing state and helps on that anxiety come down a bit. And oh, get this. It also amazing when you think about how God created us. It also changes the hormones. So, you know, and there's so much research that says if you'll change, just like you talked about, gratitude in that moment and go, I'm grateful for this or that. It's not just a, oh, it makes me feel better. It actually physically changes the chemicals in your brain and also changes the neural pathways. So, like it's so much more than just a kumbaya moment. And some people who haven't practiced these things may really not understand that. But I want to encourage you, just take a moment, try it, test it, and then put down below like what was it that worked for you when you're having those anxious thoughts, those anxious moments? Like, how do you practically deal with them? Because everybody does it differently. And I think all of the listeners could get value from how you do it because you may do it very different than I do or Melinda does, but they're all valuable, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:40

The other thing that we heard, and we've heard this from a couple of our experts, how important movement is putting on crazy music and dancing around your apartment or your home or whatever, and and whooping it up, like woo-hoo! You know, like it like really. I mean, uh, I had this website called uh Fun Life Twist, and one of my friends was like so nervous about going over bridges. Sounds I thought that was kind of crazy, but I understand there's a lot of people that don't like bridges. And she said that they she shifted the whole feeling around it. They would go across the bridge, they put their arms up in the air like they were on a roller coaster, and they go like, Woo! You know, the whole time. I mean, the whole drive over the bridge. And by the time they were on the other side of the bridge, she'd forgotten how nervous she was about the bridge and they were laughing hysterically. So there are these like fun things that you can do.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

Really, when we look at a caregiver survival tactic, we've got to think about holding our thoughts captive and laughter, which is why we called this we laugh so we don't cry. Because if in that moment, even if you don't know what else to do and you're just so flustered, just start laughing. Now, your parent might think you're laughing at them, so you're not be careful where you laugh at. But even in that, oftentimes, when you know you think about it, you've got this um senior whose brain isn't functioning well. They want to do what you're doing. So if you're moving and if you're laughing, then they're probably gonna start laughing with you. I know I think I shared on one of the other podcasts about my mom when she fell on the ground. I couldn't get her up. And I was like, oh my goodness, what am I gonna do? And we're literally on the floor. I'm trying to lift her, but I can't lift her. And we both just start laughing, like, you know, in that moment. And instead of her being anxious about being on the ground and me being anxious because I couldn't lift her, we just started laughing. It's like, help, I can't get up. And I said, Yeah, and help, and I can't even get you up. Yeah, right. We're just dying laughing, and it was just that moment of it broke it all. And then we figure out a way to get her up, but it broke that like anxiety in my chest of, oh my gosh, what if she's really hurt and I can't get her up? And does this mean I need to not let her live by herself? Because that is one of the warning signs that we'll go over in one of the other podcasts of if your parent starts falling, you really need to be cognizant. It may not be safe anymore for them to be at home. And when it's your own parent and you're teaching it, and but it's happening to you, you're like, Oh Lord, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do?

SPEAKER_01 13:12

So I think I was 10 times more anxious.

The cat story and learning to let go of control

SPEAKER_01 13:14

And you know, with Dixie, I've got the same thing. It's like, how do I take those moments? Um, it was the latest is she wanted a dog, she wanted a puppy, she wanted a cat, she went, so we I finally, finally, finally, I literally I went on AI. And because I had this like negative, negative, like it's gonna be bad, it's gonna be bad, it's gonna be so bad. I can't let her do this. I'm gonna protect her, right? And sometimes when we're protecting our parents, we're actually kind of not, you know, because we we have this preconceived idea of what's what's gonna work or not. So I go on AI of all things, and I asked, I said, should a 92-year-old, you know, be uh be able to uh foster or adopt a I put in a cat because I just thought a cat would be easier. And it said came back and it goes, absolutely, they're alone, they they want companionship, they need something to love, it gives them purpose. And I'm like, oh dang, that's not the answer that I want. Not that I wanted to hear. Yeah, so so then I, you know, my my husband and I went and got her a cat at the local rescue. It's a senior cat and everything like this. And and now it's kind of like, I don't know, I don't know if I really wanted a cat or not. So like a like now what do I do? It's like my kid.

SPEAKER_02 14:30

She went and got a dog and I ended up adopting the dog because she didn't want it.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

Exactly. So, like it's it's it is a challenge. Um, I am trying to just like you said, like try to find kind of get a little tickled, like a little you kind of like you like there she is doing that thing that she does. That's what I do. I kind of like there she is doing that thing, she's doing the Dixie Land thing. Here we are in Dixie Land again, you know, and we just laugh because and then I go like after I laugh, then I go, okay, now my thinking brain can start to work again and give me ideas of what my solutions might be. But when I'm in that, like, I want to just wring her neck, then I'm not coming up with good, healthy, loving solutions. How do you make those last years as loving and kind and open-hearted as you possibly can? And this is part of the reason, you know, that we that we're doing this podcast is because we think that there are experts that will come on that will help, you know, you think things through a little bit and then some of these exercises, and then we're gonna learn from each other. So, as you just said, let's let's come up with some great solutions to how you do it, help other people. And if you've read a book, if you've heard an expert, share with us. We'll try to get them on. If you have a question, you know, ask our questions because that's the other thing. The questions that you ask will help us prompt the speakers that we get to answer those questions. So that will be really valuable. Um, what else do we want to share today that would be of a benefit for our audience?

SPEAKER_02 16:00

Our brains are magnificent creatures. God created us in a way that we, you know,

Sleep, thought patterns, and staying grounded

SPEAKER_02 16:05

we actually have so much more control than we want to believe. And so if you're a caregiver, you're exhausted. Number one, work on your sleep and work on holding those thoughts captive. And one of the scriptures that I come back to a lot in my life is 2 Corinthians 10, 5. It's we take every thought captive to obey Christ. Because when I'm taking every thought captive, then when those negative thoughts come, I go, nope, I'm not gonna go there. I'm choosing joy, I'm choosing peace, I'm choosing these things, and then I'm choosing gratitude and just take it eventually, it becomes a habit where it's a 10-second, a five-second kind of situation, but it does take practice. And so if it seems very, very, you know, non-instinctive to you, I don't know if that's robotic or something, yeah. Right, like it feels odd, right? It's because it's not a habit, and as we grow in making that habit, we just pause. Nothing's an emergency unless your parents are on the floor, which is not a good thing. But even in that, you can find laughter, as I just shared earlier. But um, just pause and take a reset for a second. Because if you can take that deep breath, get your pulse back down, get your mind cleared for a second, even step away from your parent, take that thought captive and give it to God, give it to him, and just release it for that moment by just taking a deep breath. And oftentimes, when I take my deep breath, I go, yeah, way. And that's the name of God. And the reason I do is because I rem want to remind myself how powerful He is, because I have that strength, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes with everything going on in life, it feels

Getting support and respite as a caregiver

SPEAKER_02 17:57

like I feel weak if I'm being real. Um, and even when I'm I'm caring for um families and I'm getting them care, I'm hiring caregivers for them, oftentimes that's what they're exhausted and they're weak, and all they can focus on is what they don't feel or what they don't have or how frustrated they are or how exhausted they are, and they stop enjoying life. And this is a great season for you. It's a difficult one, but it can still be one of the best seasons of your life if you allow it to. Um, but if all you're focused on is those negative thoughts and you let them captivate you, it just gets that much heavier and it's heavy, heavy enough on its own.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

Yeah, and you just you touched on something that I just want to remind people when you go into overwhelm, which we all do at some point, if you can afford it, sometimes you do need to hire some support. Yeah, I mean, it's it's it doesn't have to all rest on your shoulders. Now, not everybody's in that position where they can afford, but but I was even thinking, let's say you're a caregiver and you have an another friend who has is a caregiver also, like, could you get those two seniors together and just like it's almost like sharing babysitting sometimes? Could you like can you do some like like help like find so that you can go have some respite, go have your nails done, go do something that gives you you know a little bit of peace and joy and everything like this, and not and not have it all on you all the time. Gina says this all the time. It's the hardest job you never applied for.

SPEAKER_02 19:38

Yeah, right. Absolutely. Well, the other thing, too, for those who can't afford a caregiver,

Aone Healthcare app

SPEAKER_02 19:45

um, one of the apps that I think is one of the most invaluable apps out there for caregivers is Aona. It's A-O-N-E. Aona. I think I'll put it in the I'll put it in our chat. Okay. But it's a it's a um app that families can sign up for. And in that app, they ask questions about your parent and different things. You can put everything in there from doctor's visits to meals to outings, all kinds of stuff. But this app actually allows you to put in family and extended family that have said, Hey, I want to help. If you ever need help, let me know. You can send them an invitation, and then you can put just up there different times or different dates that you know you might need to do something, or just maybe you block off two hours a week to go do something for yourself or four hours, whatever that is. Then you have family members and friends that can help pick up some of those times. We'll put that link as well and see if maybe Dr. Jessica, who started the app, she started it because she was caring for her mom who was passing away of cancer, and she felt so alone. And she said, People should never feel this alone. And I said to her, too, because she came to speak at this leadership group that I coach, and I said, that's

You are not alone in caregiving

SPEAKER_02 21:01

exactly why we're doing our podcast. We don't want anyone to feel alone because oftentimes, as a caregiver, you feel so alone. And so if you've ever felt alone, we would love for you to share how did you come through that? What did you do practically? Or maybe you're still feeling alone, just right alone. And we want you to know you're not alone. We're here for you, and we're praying for you, and we're we're here to support you in any way we can possibly do that. So, yes, I'm excited to be here with you.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah, I am too. It's it's you know, I everyone I talked to, I was in getting my uh my annual physical with you know, like in the stirrups, you know how that fun that is. And I've got this new doctor because my doctor finally retired. I mean, God bless her, she was fabulous. I hated to see her go. But so I've got this new young doctor, and she's like, What are you doing? Exciting in your life. They try to act like they're trying to get to know you, right? You know, because you don't have years of relationship. With them. And um, then I told her about this podcast, and she's like, wow. She said, our patients, our clients would love that. She said, because I have so many women that are going through menopause, they're of a certain age, and their parents are that next generation up. She said, This is really a valuable thing. So she said, Bring, bring business cards. Oh, there you go. That's the way, right? So the way this is going to work the best is when people get value and then they share. And then they get value and then they share. So I'm hoping that, you know, all of these sessions that we have, these episodes, you know, bring value to people's lives and um and that they want to share them. And I think that, you know, for me also, it's a way to thank God for the ability to be here to share it. And it's like a gift that I'm giving, but I'm getting more back. You know how that is. When you give, you almost get more back than you are than you thought you were going to.

Closing prayer and encouragement

SPEAKER_01 23:00

So I'm I'm looking forward. I mean, I have learned so much from the elder law expert that we had and about stress management and all these things that we're going to cover. And again, if there's something that you want us to cover, there's a topic that you think is important that we're missing somehow, you know, right down there in our comments is the best way for us to do that is to find out from you what you want and what you need.

SPEAKER_02 23:26

Yes. Well, let's end this session on a positive note and hold our thoughts captive. So, Lord, I just thank you for everyone who joined us today. I just ask that you bless them, bless their families, and help us all to hold those negative thoughts captive and replace them with the beautiful thoughts of all the blessings in our lives. So, thank you for all the blessings that we have. It's in your name we pray. Amen and amen. All right, and we will see you next episode. Don't forget to share, like, and subscribe. Subscribe, absolutely. Have a blessed day, everyone. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 24:05

So join us, pull up the chair, you're strong, you're seeing your life. We laugh, we love, we share, we laugh so we don't cry. Join us.