Is It Forgetfulness or Something More? (7 Signs to Watch)

Is it normal aging… or something more?

If you’ve started noticing changes in your parent’s memory, behavior, or daily habits, this episode will help you better understand what to look for—and when it may be time to pay closer attention.

We walk through real-life signs caregivers often miss and how to approach this stage with clarity, compassion, and confidence.

🎙️ In This Episode:
• 7 signs it may be more than normal forgetfulness
• Changes in behavior, hygiene, and daily routines
• Safety concerns (falls, food, medications)
• When to start having conversations with family
• How to approach your parent with care and respect

👩‍💼 Hosts:
Tina Rains, RN
Melinda Lee Foster

Thanks for listening to We Laugh So We Don’t Cry — honest conversations, real support, and a little laughter for the caregiving journey.

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🤍 Thanks to our sponsor, MasterPiece Care, for providing free caregiver guides and resources. You can also book a free conversation call with Tina Rains, RN through MasterPiece Care at the link above.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

We love the cry. It's time to try. Open up the ones we love with coffee courage in time.

SPEAKER_01 0:09

92-year-old boyfriend. Jeez. Are you ready for this? Okay, so he's 92. And um, I think the biggest question we have right now is is he starting to have like severe dementia? Or is he just being kind of like a little forgetful? Um, they came over for dinner a couple times and they're getting lost leaving the development. And it's like a straight shot. So I like put the put a little tracker in his car. And I call my mom on the phone. And I'm like, mom, did you and Joe get home okay? And I know she's not home, right? Because she's lost in the development. She goes, Oh, we're lost, honey. And I'm like, oh my gosh. So like this has been happening. Joe the other day like went on a three-day like walkabout. We had to have the police find him because his license plate was being tracked around the state of Florida, and he ended up over, like in um, oh my gosh, where's it in uh Jacksonville? That's why we live on the other guy. It's like, oh that could be so bad. Like, what do you do? I feel like a parent, like, do I take Joe's keys away from him? Like, I can't do that. You know, like what do you do? And and and it kind of scares me because my mom's in the car with him sometimes. And he's getting lost at night, especially. What what how do you know when it's time? And like, are there like um symbols or signals or things that you're seeing and you start seeing it too frequently? That would be telltale signs that this is more than just forgetfulness.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah. I think the key is this when we ask ourselves, is this happening repeatedly? Like, are these things happening over and over, or is it just an occasional, occasional thing? Because at all of our age, even ourselves, we can occasionally get forgetful, right?

unknown 2:13

Right.

SPEAKER_00 2:13

But when your loved one has a pattern, then you really need to start paying a lot more attention if this has become a pattern. So that's one of the very first things to take a look at. Is it a pattern?

SPEAKER_01 2:27

Okay, so we're starting to see a little pattern, right? Yeah, and uh so then I'm trying to think like what some other the other thing is.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

Well, I mean one of the one of the other key questions is are they getting lost? That's one of the you know, telltale signs of it. Yes, yes, and it is dementia.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Yeah, the other thing that I'm noticing a lot, and I think that you know, you know, you and I've had this conversation, is telling the same story over and over, not only just every time we get together, but like even in like an evening, like repeating the same story over and over. And and again, I I don't know if this is just forgetfulness or is this uh you know a pattern? Uh is that another like what are some of the key things to start to look for when you're trying to decide is this dementia? Or is this just kind of loosey, goosey memory loss, you know?

SPEAKER_00 3:26

I don't Right. Well, and that's the thing. We have to look at again, is it repeating over and over, or is it just a common question? And one of the things that um we're gonna share about too is how do we just help navigate the conversations with them when they are repeating over and over and over? Typically, when someone's dealing with dementia versus forgetfulness, it's a common repetitive thing. And so that's the number one. And then as you're talking to them and you're seeing that pattern constantly, are they getting the next question, which we just discussed, right, is are they getting lost? Are they getting lost? And is this frequent? And if they're getting lost, is it time to take away their keys? Because it could be an unsafe thing. Think about Joe. He's like across the state. That could have been so bad. So bad. Um, and so if they're getting lost, he his family may need to be considering taking his keys away. Right. That's you know, he could be a hazard to himself. So those are the questions, they're tough questions, and you want to allow them to be as independent as possible because it is so good for them. But what are some of the ways that you know that it's more dementia versus just forgetfulness? That is definitely, to me, a sign that he's struggling with dementia and what needs to be done with that, right? Um, one of the other things is do they pay their bills? You know, a lot of seniors are still paying their own bills and their mail is piling up and they have um their finances are getting just amiss. They're getting calls and different things like that. And so if you walk in their house and you see that all their bills are sitting in a pile, well, they may not have the organizational skills anymore to really deal with all of that. So it may be time to say, okay, mom is having this forgetfulness and she is starting to show signs of dementia because she's not able to coordinate them. It's really hard to process once you start getting dementia. And so we may have to take those financial matters into our own home, our own hands.

SPEAKER_01 5:35

Right. Are are there ways to kind of test for that? So you can start to see. I mean, I I did take my mom once for like a like a brain assessment type of a thing, and they asked her to like put the hands of a clock at a certain time, and it looked like something Salvador Dolly would have produced, you know, that like dripping clock kind of like off the wall. Like that's one of his famous paintings. It's like it was wow, like, whoa.

SPEAKER_00 6:03

Anything to do with numbers? Forget about it. Exactly. Well, and those are the signs, and so you can take them to a neurologist, there's all kinds of testing that can be done, and that's where the balance and the struggle comes in oftentimes with the family because it's like, okay, she does have dementia, but how severe? There's so many different kinds of dementia and Alzheimer's and all those things. Right. And so it is important to work with the specialist who can help you navigate through where she's at on that, but off oftentimes just watching what's going on with your loved one, you know, have you seen that they're more confused about date, time, or season? Like I got I got one.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

Absolutely. Missing, placing things, losing things, her keys, her hearing aids, her wallet. It's literally something every week.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Yeah. So what do you do? Well, that's when you have to get some caregivers to help them because if they can't manage those daily functions, then you've got to get some assistance for them. And if they are living independently and they're struggling with these things, then you can get a caregiver that even man helps them manage their mail and their finances and the you know the cleaning and all those things that you see, especially if they get confused on date and time, because then they start getting confused of when am I supposed to go to the doctor? And sometimes they're forgetting their doctor's appointments because they they don't remember what time it is, or they just forget to even check. And so I know um one friend of mine who has dementia, she cannot remember the basic items of um appointments or events or any of that. So her family puts these these messages and these alarms in her phone, and even with that, she's unable to really keep track. So her husband is her caregiver. And so if they don't have a loved one living with them, that's when you have to evaluate do I need to put mom and dad in a home where they can help them? Or do I want to hire a caregiver that can do all those functions for them that they're starting to not be able to do? And that's that's be a family conversation, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Right. So you provide caregivers. We do. Um, do they kind of come in and do like kind of a little assessment to see, or does the family tell them how much they think they want?

SPEAKER_00 8:36

And like I mean, so I think helpful you create an entire care plan with your family. And so we provide it in South Florida and the palm in Palm Beach County, basically, is where we provide caregivers, but we'll we'll be happy to help connect you with other people in your area if you have a need. But you need to have someone that does a full care plan. So, what is all looking at all the aspects, your personal, your financial, your um medical, all of that combined, because you got to have a holistic approach where the caregiver deals with all those things for you so that you can just enjoy your relationship with your family member. And that's really what the caregiver is all about is taking care of those day-to-day things that are necessary. And so um the hard part is getting the right caregiver. And having done this for a few decades now, we are very, very adamant about what that means. And it's really starts with compassion, we can and love and kindness, we can, you know, train anybody, but if you don't have the heart, then you're not you're not gonna be the person for us. So I'm gonna encourage you if you're hiring someone for your family member, we you can teach them all the basics, but you can't change their attitude. If you get one negative attitude in a conversation with them, they are not your person, I promise you.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Right, right, right. Because, you know, like uh so I'm the daughter and and and I'm kind of like the the focal point. I am hiring a lot of um things, like so that so that that takes the little bit of the burden off of me. And I hate that word burden, makes me sound like I'm not grateful to have a 92-year-old mom. But sometimes when you're the only one that's really managing this care, it feels exhausting. Um, you feel unappreciated as much by the person that you're trying to caregive as the brothers or sisters that are out there in the world. It's like it's a thing. So I mean, I I feel like this is um in some weird kind of way, almost like a gift you give yourself, is to hire a caregiver that takes some of that responsibility away. If you can, if you can afford it, you know, it's just a really a great way. And to and then there's that peace of mind as the child that you also feel like, okay, she's being taken care of. I can go enjoy my life too, which right, you know, it's it's just a whole other thing.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Um well, and the thing of it is if they do have dementia, you want to protect them because one of the things that they start doing too is you start having safety issues. They forget to turn off the stove. They have one of those, yep. Yes, and it's scary, very, very scary. Yeah, you know, and so even you know, in the assisted when you put them into an assisted living home, which is a great option for a lot of families, the difference is that they do all of it for you, right? And um, if you have a caregiver, some people can't afford to have a caregiver 24 hours a day. No kidding. A good caregiver, you're gonna be paying $25 to $30 an hour typically.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

That's that's on the low side.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

I was gonna say, if you're paying directly, if you're going through a company like myself, right, typically you're gonna be paying about $40 to $45 an hour because we do everything, all the screening, all those things, and we stay involved with the families, right? So it's not an inexpensive thing to do. So not all families can afford that. And that's why a lot of us become the caregivers, and many of the people who might be watching become the caregivers because it is expensive, and so then it just becomes a huge burst. So we're going to bring on experts that will actually help you with some of um those care needs and ways to be able to pay for them. Um, even when you may a lot of people fall in that in-between stage. They don't, the individual doesn't qualify for Medicaid because they have too much money or too many assets. They um, you know, veterans though have some money out there that a lot of people don't know about to help with caregiving. So there's some things that we're gonna share on different podcasts about the financial aspect if you need caregiving, um, how you can do that legally and um ethically and still provide for your family member without having to use all of your assets to do it. So we have an elder law uh specialist that'll come in and help us with that too, because once they have dementia, you have to start considering those things.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

Absolutely. And you know, and I I think there's this like, am I a good daughter? Is this the right thing? You know, I I if you've got a proud parent, as their brain is still proud, you know, they feel like you're um almost doing something evil, you know, and you feel like you you want to be loving and kind and all that stuff. Uh and and you've got a guide. And there are a couple of lines in that guide that that just struck my heart, which was like, this is the most loving thing you can do. They're gonna have a higher quality of life because they're living with and around other people, they're gonna have a safety factor taken care of because someone's gonna be watching for them if they're not doing their meds properly and you notice that they're like erratic behavior, you know, someone's gonna be watching that. I mean, I think that that's you know, it's like you can't put a price tag on peace of mind.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Absolutely. Well, and when you're looking at dementia and you're asking yourself, okay, is this just like normal forgetfulness or is this dementia? You know, it's worth going and getting a checkup with a neurologist. When you think about pattern, let's go back to that. The pattern plus frequency is a red flag. So it is time to go see a neurologist to consider doing an assisted living, to consider doing a caregiver. If you see a pattern and you have frequency, like when you ask yourself that each time, am I seeing a pattern? Is it frequent? Okay, I need to go get a checkup and I need to consider other alternatives.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Right. You were talking about some red flags. I know we've talked about pattern, frequency, um, forgetfulness. Are there other other things on there that you could share with us? Because I also know that you've got a guide that people can go in and download and have everything that we're talking about today, but in a little more structured form. So um, we're just hoping that this excites you to want to get it. So you get more.

SPEAKER_00 15:19

Absolutely. Well, and one of the things, so well, we will have a download at um seniorliving palmbeach.com. You can go there and download it. We'll have the link down below. But one of the another key questions to ask yourself, also though, Melinda, and you think about this with your mom. Have you noticed a personality change?

SPEAKER_01 15:39

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

Irritability, withdrawal, paranoia. And some people think they're having, you know, paranoid schizophrenia, but reality is it's just dementia.

unknown 15:49

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_02 15:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:51

It doesn't just affect memory, it affects their personalities, their emotional regulation affects everything.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

Right. So I mean, it's it's it is a challenging uh experience to go through. I am noticing a lot of those things, and I just don't know how long independent living, and she's in a senior kind of facility before it's gets to the scary point, and it's time to move her into an assisted living, so she really has those eyeballs on her 24-7, not me a couple times a week and her caretakers stopping and having coffee in the morning. She's really needs more attention, you know, more um uh care than than we're able to give her when she's living independently. Are there any other like might be telling like they don't bathe anymore? I mean, like, are there things like that?

SPEAKER_00 16:46

That's another when you start seeing their hygiene going down, you've have someone who normally is very clean, they already always have their hair done, and suddenly over the last month or two, mom isn't doing her hair, she's not bathing. Why isn't she bathing? Oftentimes, seniors with dementia do not want to bathe because they it increases their anxiety because they are a little paranoid or they're afraid they're gonna get too cold or different things each one or fall. And the anxiety levels go very up. You know, if you see your parents showing lots of signs of anxiety, bathing sometimes creates huge anxiety for them. That's another key thing to watch for is are they shadowing you? Are they anxious? Are oftentimes, you know, one of the interesting questions that a lot of the um individuals with dementia have, well, they'll they think they're they're somewhere else. For instance, they'll get confused and like, I want to go home. Well, you're at home, mom, you know, and they don't realize where they're at. And of course, if they're in a home, that's you know, that becomes their home, but just even in their own homes, right? They suddenly just think they're somewhere else.

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Or so in where my mom lives, she had an across the hall neighbor, and all of a sudden, this neighbor started accusing mom of stealing her photographs, like her wedding photographs. Wow. And mom's like, why would I do that? You know, why would I want her photographs? She was so sure, and then I saw that's one of the signs. Absolutely. The person is starting to claim that someone is stealing from them. Absolutely. And honestly, because I thought that Dorothy had it, her brain more together than my mom did. I thought, well, did mom take that? You know, so I was kind of like wondering in the back of my head, it was like, is Dorothy wacky or is mom wacky? I don't know which one's like having the worst time right here right now. But it's yeah, there, I mean, I think that the guide is really um hitting on some things that people can learn from because that's our goal. Absolutely. Tina's, and my goal is that you will watch this, you'll learn something, you'll be curious enough to take the next step, which is download the guide. The guide's free, right, Tina?

SPEAKER_00 18:59

Right, it's free. And the guide actually gives you an assessment tool where you can actually assess your parent or loved one and look at the findings you have, and then dependent on what your findings are, you can schedule an evaluation or explore other support and start planning for the next step. Because the one thing about dementia is that if you don't start planning for it, and it is hard sometimes to get into a home or to get the right caregiver, so you don't want to be stuck in a situation that's an emergent situation. So doing that evaluation, getting your family member in to get an evaluation with their neurologist is really, really important. And just knowing that, you know what, you're not you're not alone, you're not exaggerating. Oftentimes families feel guilty to do that because they're like, am I just exaggerating? Am I just like overreacting to what's going on with my parent? No, it's real and it's hard, and we don't want to ignore it because that's when our parents get into trouble. That's when those safety issues come up and bite you because your parent is now in an unsafe environment and they're not bathing and they're not doing their medications properly. And oftentimes, seniors who the you know we do overlook because we want to believe the best end up in the hospital because they haven't taken their meds or they took too many.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

Um they're not drinking water and they've got a UTI and they're exhibiting all sorts of behaviors, all that stuff. So, I mean, one of the things that we want to encourage everyone to do also is to subscribe and to join this community so that you don't feel alone. You know, that's one of the reasons that we're doing it. Hopefully, we're gonna laugh, we're gonna cry, we're gonna share stories, you know, and uh and we'll have experts that will be answering our questions. So we're gonna learn and grow together. Um, I I'm excited for the future, and and I have just from some of the already recordings, we've already recorded several different people, and I have learned every time we've had an expert on something that I can actually apply in my life. I've already started doing it, and I gotta tell you, um, relationship with mom is is definitely getting getting better. So that's really a wonderful thing.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Um, think about it, Melinda. What was that first thing that you noticed? I would love to hear that from you. Like, what was that first thing that you noticed that you're like, oh yeah, maybe my mom does need another evaluation?

SPEAKER_01 21:34

Um, when she could never, even with it written on her calendar, um, in her on her phone, call several calls, and she still could not get the time right on when we were either picking her up or she was supposed to be somewhere. And it'd be like, and then I'm just shaking me. I'm like, what the heck? Like 6 30 mom. You know, then I turned it on. I told you. You know how many times? And that doesn't obviously move anybody forward in a good space at all. But it's like, oh, you're just exhausted from trying to just keep the whole like it's like it's some sort of like family thing. You're trying to get everybody together at the same time. And then you go to pick up mom and you've said it like all like so many how many times? I don't even know. And she's taking a nap. And you get there and you're like, Mom! Mom! She goes like, oh, I thought, you know, it's I think that was my other towel with my mom also is she um her her brain is going so fast that she just never stops talking. She just talks incessantly. And then all of a sudden, like literally, like, yeah, and you're like, uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Uh-huh. And then in my head, I'm kind of like laughing because I'm not trying to make fun, but I'm just trying to like see the humorous. I'm like, there she goes again. She just keeps talking. I wonder if she's ever gonna take a breath, you know.

unknown 23:02

I just started laughing inside by side.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

There's another moment if we laugh so we don't cry.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

Because it's like, oh, that's what we're hoping for, is because it's like, oh my gosh, you can't make this up. And uh I I would say those two things have been my tells that that this is it's kind of like not my mom anymore. And you know, you want to have empathy and love and everything, and it can be challenging, Tina. It can really be challenging. I know you know this too, but yeah, you know, you you you want to be the best version of yourself. And sometimes I know you've told me this, that's one of your ways of coping, because this is about coping, also. It's just stop and say a little prayer. Absolutely. Take a deep breath. Dear God, give me some patience, dear God. Let me go into my heart, dear God. Let me see the humor in this, dear God, dear God.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

That's why I love the whole idea of we laugh so we don't cry, is because to me, the laughter is the joy of the Lord, right? If we stop and we just say a prayer and then we focus on the gratitude of, okay, I'm just grateful that she's here and she can talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. Right. And make it, you know, it's she's cute. She's it's a she's a trip, exactly. Yeah, you know what I mean, and then see the humor in that and see the joy in that and see the blessing in that and the gratitude. Psychologically, it helps us, but it also helps us to respond better. It also just kind of de-escalates the um sympathetic nervous system to get technical, like your pulse goes down when you're getting irritated, right? And so that's a whole nother episode we'll do later.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

But yes, yes, yes, we have one of those that we're gonna do.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

But yeah, I mean it it's it does, it changes everything. And so I would love to hear from the viewers down below because I think it'll help everybody watching. Like, what was the first thing that made you pause with your parent? Would love to see it in the chat, share it. We'd love to see, you know, what was that for you? Because you're not alone and you're not overreacting. So we're grateful that you're here. And if you are questioning, like, how do I know? Download our free our free um guide and assessment. It's called Is It Time? And we'll have the link down below this podcast as well for you to download it. And we would just love to just be here for you.

SPEAKER_01 25:28

And and we want you to share it because you know, maybe you know somebody, a family member or a friend, and they've been like, I'm so exhausted. This is a clue that they could be interested in this podcast. I am so exhausted, I am so tired, I feel so unappreciated, or whatever, you know, or or or they have some fun stories, and they and you think that they would be uh great for our uh audience to hear because you know that's how we're gonna get through this together. We relax. Absolutely. So love it.

SPEAKER_00 25:57

All right, so let's just say a quick prayer to close us out. How about that? Perfect, Lord. We thank you for every person that has listened. Let us be a light, and Lord, just give us strength, give us peace in this difficult season, and let us find joy in even those tough moments. We thank you for being with us, and it's in your name we pray. Amen.

SPEAKER_02 26:18

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 26:20

Okay, we'll see you on the next episode.

SPEAKER_01 26:23

Sounds good.

SPEAKER_02 26:26

Join us, pull up the cherry strong, you're seeing your eye on time. We laugh, we love, we share, we laugh so we don't cry. Join us.